Announcing Artisanal Marketing!

You’ve heard of Artisanal Marketing, right?

*gasp*

We’re talking about hand crafted marketing done in small batches using only vintage materials.  We realize that’s a mouthful.  So the thought-leaders of this new movement recently got together at a charmingly dilapidated 1920’s garage / coffee bar and decided to just call it Artisanal Marketing from now on.  And it really helps capture the zeitgeist of what it’s all about.  Which is…

Vintage Marketing Channels

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the age of digital marketing and all its incumbent privacy problems is really inferior to the good old days of reaching out to people directly.  So we’re teaming up with new transportation startups (we’re so over Uber) who are focused on the next thing in ride-sharing: large shared vehicles that follow fixed schedules and are so reliable they’re literally on rails.  Other retro-hip parts of the world already have them (we’re so behind) and call them “trains”.  Want to get your message out?  You ride a train, stick your head out a window, and then yell it through one of these:

I guarantee you will make more direct eye contact with your target market than you ever imagined and you’ll get real-time feedback: shouting, gestures, ripe fruit, etc.

We’re also ready to move on to the next big thing in social media.  Everybody tweets and “likes” so often now that nobody cares.  But people can’t help but notice when you receive one of these:

Transitioning from Twitter to telegrams is surprisingly easy – they have just about the same length restrictions.  And you’ll be amazed at how delighted and special people feel when that Western Union fella shows up and reads your message in a loud nasally voice the whole office will hear!

Vintage Marketing Metrics

Staring at numbers like WOM multipliers, impressions, CTRs, conversation rates, take rates – it makes your head hurt.  And speaking of heads, we think that’s the best place to measure marketing effectiveness.  Of course, we’re talking about phrenology.

There is no more scientifically accurate way to measure the effect of your marketing tactics than to measure the bumps on your audience members’ skulls.  If you feel like it may be awkward to ask people for permission to approach them with a large set of calipers, we’ve found things go smoother if you set their expectations in advance with a timely telegram.

Vintage Marketing Aesthetics

For decades, advertisers have distorted our expectations of how we should look.  And now smartphone apps take it even further and letting us morph into whatever we desire – which apparently includes cute farm animals.  We tack hard into that wind and go the opposite direction: let’s all just agree on one timeless look and go for it.  And that means we all need neck-beards.

Granted, not everyone can easily grow neck-beards.  Personally, even if I go for months without shaving, I look like someone who got stuck about 10% of the way through one of those movie-werewolf-transformations.  Which is to say, if I’m willing to give this a try then you have no excuse.  Yes, ladies, I’m talking to you too.

Want To Learn More?

Go into any overly-trendy looking bike shop and tell the barista (told you it’s trendy) the following passphrase: “I’m into whiskey-tasting and axe-throwing.”  They’ll recognize you’re one of us and will tell you where and when the next local meeting will be.

Or, just in case you’re interested in learning a modern and much-improved way of managing marketing, you may want to check-out our upcoming training class for Hana Agile Marketing.  No neck-beards or throwing-axes required.  Whiskey is optional.